You Need to Win
In the most difficult of moments, you need to set the tone for your newborn: in patience, confidence, and calmness. They're need you.
It's not a competition, but if it's between you and your newborn to set the tone in the most difficult of moments, you need to win. In every way, they're looking to you for how to handle the situation. If you're stressed and panicky, they will be too. If they're overtired and won't settle, it's up to you to be more patient, to be confident in yourself, and to exude a deep level of calmness, one they haven't learned yet.
But it's hard, oh so hard, especially when you're likely sleeping far less than you have in years.
There's no solution, you won't always show up in the right way, but there are a few things you can keep in mind when your baby won't sleep and the only thing you can think about is getting through this:
- Remember your identity: What type of Dad do you want to be? How do they act in this difficult moment? Remember the identity you set and do your best to show up in that way.
- Ask for help: If you have help, whether from a partner, family member, or friend — ask for it. Making that ask allows us to be vulnerable which quickly reminds us that this is supposed to be hard.
When we're reminded of that we lower our expectations which, paradoxically, helps us show up better in the moments that follow.
At night I try to find ways to extend my wife's sleep, even if it means spending a few extra minutes with a fussy baby. However, when things become untenable, I (and you!) need to be willing to ask for help.
It's important too that your partner knows they can always come to you, so talk about this, set expectations with each other. Often the parent that just had a break, no matter how short, is ready to come in with the energy that is going to best support you and your baby in that moment. - Take a (short) break: They tell you this at the hospital, but friendly reminder, you can put the baby down for a couple of minutes to reset. Grab some water and maybe a snack and take just a few deep breaths. You've got this.
And still it will be hard.
One more time, you've got this.